Author Profile

Melissa Carmean

Country: United States
Profile picture for author, Melissa Carmean
Alliance of Independent Authors /


I'm one half of an identical twin. My parents did not know this until my biological mother went into labor. The nurse said to my father (as she held up a still-attached umbilical cord), "William. William. Do you know what this is?" My dad said he sure did, and that it was an umbilical cord! Then the nurses explained; "Well shit, William, that's right. But the other acceptable answer would be that it's attached to another baby." My father--all three-hundred pounds of him--hit the delivery room floor. To be fair, I would have done the same. I guess I tried to emerge from the womb ass-first, and medical practitioners do not like this. Who I'm sure was a talented surgeon cut my mother open, rearranged some bits and bobs, then pulled me out of her guts.

That's my villain origin story, anyway.

What else? Oh! I edit. A lot. And I ghostwrite, and I love my job so much. What else do I love? Writing! That's correct! I've been doing that for almost three decades now, and while I'm not published, I've ghostwritten books that have been. Figured I'd give it the good ol' college try. Except when I tried college, I totally failed.

Oh! Did I mention that I'm self-taught?

Uh... surprise! I have three cats. I'm currently wearing a cat sweater. Doesn't matter when (or even if) you're reading this, I'm wearing the sweater.

My favorite authors are Alexander Grass, Gabriel Garcia-Marquez, Joseph Heller, Lovecraft (except the racist stuff), Hunter S. Thompson, Nabokov, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Kurt Vonnegut, Doulas Adams, John Kennedy Toole, Margaret Atwood, Asimov, and oh boy could I go on FOREVER. Oh! Dick! Of the Philip K. variety.

My hobbies are complaining, seeking the absurd to pull laughter from me, and keeping track of the worst sentences I've ever read. Music's cool, but I won't get into that.

I'm thirty-six and not a spinster, but I haven't ruled out the possibility.


I'm trying my best to see if anyone is interested in my mediocre stories. Don't let my description fool you. They're maybe a bit worse than mediocre. I love bizarre shit. That's my jam.
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