Author Profile

Melissa Carmean

Country: United States
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Profile picture for author, Melissa Carmean
Alliance of Independent Authors /

Biography

I'm one half of an identical twin. My parents did not know this until my biological mother went into labor. The nurse said to my father (as she held up a still-attached umbilical cord), "William. William. Do you know what this is?" My dad said he sure did, and that it was an umbilical cord! Then the nurses explained; "Well shit, William, that's right. But the other acceptable answer would be that it's attached to another baby." My father--all three-hundred pounds of him--hit the delivery room floor. To be fair, I would have done the same. I guess I tried to emerge from the womb ass-first, and medical practitioners do not like this. Who I'm sure was a talented surgeon cut my mother open, rearranged some bits and bobs, then pulled me out of her guts.

That's my villain origin story, anyway.

What else? Oh! I edit. A lot. And I ghostwrite, and I love my job so much. What else do I love? Writing! That's correct! I've been doing that for almost three decades now, and while I'm not published, I've ghostwritten books that have been. Figured I'd give it the good ol' college try. Except when I tried college, I totally failed.

Oh! Did I mention that I'm self-taught?

Uh... surprise! I have three cats. I'm currently wearing a cat sweater. Doesn't matter when (or even if) you're reading this, I'm wearing the sweater.

My favorite authors are Alexander Grass, Gabriel Garcia-Marquez, Joseph Heller, Lovecraft (except the racist stuff), Hunter S. Thompson, Nabokov, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Kurt Vonnegut, Doulas Adams, John Kennedy Toole, Margaret Atwood, Asimov, and oh boy could I go on FOREVER. Oh! Dick! Of the Philip K. variety.

My hobbies are complaining, seeking the absurd to pull laughter from me, and keeping track of the worst sentences I've ever read. Music's cool, but I won't get into that.

I'm thirty-six and not a spinster, but I haven't ruled out the possibility.

Announcements

I'm trying my best to see if anyone is interested in my mediocre stories. Don't let my description fool you. They're maybe a bit worse than mediocre. I love bizarre shit. That's my jam.
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